"NO"

Let's imagine someone who you don't really like that much asks you to join them for coffee.

“Hi, would you like to go for coffee with me?”

Now you want to say no, but what you actually might say is something closer to...

“Oh... Um.. Well, that's very kind of you but I can't today. I have a lot of work to do for next week.”

Using conversation analysis, this can be broken down as follows;

Delay                       “Oh... Um...

Preface rejection         Well,

Appreciation               that's very kind of you

Modulated Rejection    but I can't today

Account                      I have a lot of work to do for next week.”

It would be quite odd in fact if we just said “No.” and that be the end of it. We might pull a face and say “mmmm No, sorry I can't.” And then give an account of why not, but No is rarely used in rejection on its own.

You might think this is a polite and English way of refusing an invitation, but in fact conversation analysis around the world shows us this is not Englishness, it is in fact socially constructed everywhere. We don't ever want to appear rude, nor do we wish to hurt anyone's feelings. We are not used to saying no so when does no get used in rejection?

This is a very important realisation in reference to when we need to use the word no. Apparently our social and cultural behaviour means we are wholly unprepared for the specific time when “No” is the only word that might save us. I am referring to cases of sexual harassment and rape. 'No means No' is a commonly used phrase referring to rape and sexual harassment. The reality of a very clear and timely “no” being uttered is not as simple or as obvious as it may appear. Also, by a certain point “No” is possibly not going to help anyone. Yet it is used in court as defence for the rapist. If a victim of sexual harassment has not clearly said “No” then the crime can be turned into a simple misunderstanding.

If “No” is all that a victim needed to say to stop the incident from occurring then why on earth did they not say it? Seems so simple now, so clear. Just say “NO”.

Erm... No. I am saying no to this suggestion. It's not that simple, or clear, or easy to say. Try saying “No” next time someone asks you something and the answer is no. Just say “no” to that person asking you for coffee, don't give an excuse or delay. Just say no, see how it feels. Then try and imagine that situation being completely different, someone isn't even asking you if you want to have sex, they just assume you do or don't care if you do. When should you say no then?

If No is the only way a victim can avoid being raped or harassed, at least lets offer “No” training to all people.

“No” training schools for children who have never heard of sexual harassment or rape, for teenagers who are already surrounded by a whole world of what is appropriate behaviour, for adults who may never have used no to reject someone but suddenly might find a use for it.

I do have a better idea though, lets have training for everyone on how not to be a rapist! Great idea! 


Picture sourced from http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2013/09/how-the-power-of-no-saved-my-life/

Being a good Ally

When a someone is being belittled, ridiculed and verbally harassed you have a choice. Either block it out and ignore it or say something. If you don't know that someone, they are a stranger, as is the harasser, you can walk away or you can step up. There is a very faint boundary between saying something off your own accord and saying something on behalf of someone else. You need to be careful not to say anything that could make the situation worse but you know from your personal moral code that what is happening is wrong and you need to do something.

A few weeks ago I was in a pub with some friends. Over my shoulder I could hear the voice of a man, frustrated and bitter, telling the woman he was with she was worthless. I did not know either of them. In fact this was the only thing that prevented me jumping out of my seat and screaming at him. He was talking to her loud enough for me to hear but not shouting. The woman he was talking to did not say a word. He repeatedly told her what he thought of her, over and over like a mantra, and she didn't say anything.

I don't know if what I did next was beneficial or not but I felt it could only change the mantra, which at this point I was sick of hearing. I walked over to their table, crouched down to eye level with him, (he was holding an electric cigarette like a knife in his grip so I took it off him and laid it gently on the table so he couldn't stab my eye out with it) and began stating in a hushed voice that the topic of his conversation was offending me. I didn't try to suggest that what he was saying was wrong, nor did I assume I knew anything of how the woman he was with felt.

How could I possibly know?

All I did know was that those words are used as weapons to keep people down, and in my mind I may have thought he was being abusive to her, what I said was merely personal.

“People in this room can hear your conversation, what you are saying is offending me and others.”

Stunned and confused, he just waited for me to finish. It felt like I was speaking to him for ages but in actual fact I think it was only a moment. I became the one chanting a mantra.

“What you are saying is offending people in this room, I can't speak on your behalf (I said to the woman) so I won't, but I can speak on behalf of myself and I am offended. Please change the topic of your conversation.”

He finally gathered together some words, “YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!”.

I repeated myself, asking him to just not talk so offensively in public because people can hear him. I stood up, over him, and asked again clearly. I smiled at them both and said thank you, and walked back to my table.

A moment later he started shouting “My life is none of your business.”

“You're right, but I cant close my ears to you when you are speaking offensively and loud” was my retort.

“What do you want? What do you want me to talk about?! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!” he said.

“You're right, I'm sorry. Please, continue you're conversation. I'm so sorry, please carry on.” but by this point others in the room had started joining in and agreeing with me so what I said mattered very little.

“You and your little stooges, thinking you're so big with them behind you.”

I can't remember exactly what else was said, some expletives and angry shouts. He got up, as did the woman he was with (who now was smiling at me) and put on their coats to leave. As he left, one of the stooges shouted Fuck off, people clapped and that was that.

I was a tad intoxicated. I almost straight away worried I had said something wrong and how he was right, it isn't my business. Luckily though, the people I sat with that evening were in unison agreement that someone needed to say something. I tried to not undermine the woman in that situation, the voiceless woman (who said three words in the course of the event) who was being told what the man thought of her. The words he used were the words you hear being used in abusive and controlling relationship stories and I was hearing them being used with my own ears.

If I could remember the actual conversation I would better know what exactly the outcome was but I am sure that if nothing had been said I would have regretted it forever.  

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

Every Day Scepticism

Warning-this could be described as a rant. I am not apologising but giving you a head start. If you're not up for it right now I suggest you come back to it when you have a brew in hand and are sitting down. I do get quite annoyed by this stuff (as I have every right to)

Even if you avoid buying newspapers and magazines, don't watch TV and even manage to never know what this years blockbuster titles are, you can't avoid sexism. You might block it out and close your eyes and ears, or you are so numb to it you don't notice it anymore. Either way, it is everywhere. If you don't believe me, here are a few examples I came across just this morning: (I haven't left the house).

TV Adverts

Options belgian indulgence.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gz7IWs_oG5I

GUILT FREE CHOCOLATE! The women in this advert are attacking cake, boxes of chocolates, chocolate bunnies etc to demonstrate how they are so empowered! They are so strong they can say goodbye to that entire cake and now have a GUILT FREE hot chocolate. Guilt would of course be caused by the fact that chocolate has calories, calories are a form of energy that if we don't use through physical activity turn to fat and WOMEN ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE FAT! So indulge now, you no longer have to feel SHAME for eating or drinking something you WANT! Oh and not to mention, men do not like chocolate. That would be far too feminine!

Samsung Eco Bubble,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThcojzJuxp4

Mum is always right:

In the world of samsung washing machines, child rearing, domestic chores and instilling moral codes into young adults, men/dads do not exist. The little girl is trying to steal a doll from a friend at a tea party (because ALL little girls love dolls and tea parties), the young teenage girl is leaning in for her first possible kiss (because all girls have first kisses with boys their age at their homes in the dark in their school uniforms), the hopefully eighteen year old coming half way down the stairs (the angle lets you see most of her crotch) and is sent back up stairs to put more clothes on (because her mum doesn't want her to get raped or sexually harassed while she is out, because in that dress it would most definitely be HER fault, not the fault of the harasser/rapist) and finally the grown adult woman who knows how to successfully use a washing machine (because that is of course her duty) and she can even use it on an eco setting because although she is a mere housewife she is also intelligent and aware of the world around her and her own energy bill. This is clear by the fact the eco setting is REALLY OBVIOUS!

Facebook advertising:

I am female, therefore my tailored adverts at the side of my Facebook wall are for high heeled booties, make-up, articles from women's magazines on how to get men and other completely not my taste types of things. I need heels to stop me running fast enough, make me tall so I can feel a misunderstood version of 'empowered' and I need make up because my face is clearly hideous in it's natural state!!!!! Ewwwwww. I won't even go into why getting a man is not in my to-do list.

When I go to the corner shop, all magazines, for men and women, are completely ridiculous. I don't understand how the companies stay afloat, people aren't that stupid but someone is buying into this rubbish. 

Sex tips from a celeb and his dad (because only men know what sex should be like)

Tips on how to enjoy getting dressed (because as women we are supposed to not like our bodies and if we do then there must be something wrong with us)

Famous musician is asked about her career and men (because to all women-kind, men and careers are on equal par of importance and this needs to be reminded to us, just asking about her career would be neglecting her entire life in relevance to men)

http://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/magazine

Best sex positions for girls (not women) -a magazine is the only way we learn how to have and enjoy sex, so please tell us, make sure it is not through the male perspective (which im sure it won't be, it's a women's magazine) (note sarcasm)

The new feminism!!! -The word empowerment has been hijacked- Would you go topless to get a raise? No! Why? Should I? If feminism says it ok then it must be suitable for women to do this, maybe I will! Thank you, reliable source of feminist discourse, Cosmo! 

How to get a body like J-Lo in four easy steps (because knowing the reality is too hard and would ruin the nonchalant ideal that she and all famous women are effortlessly and naturally like that)

How to: stop a cheater. I have a clue on this one... DONT BE WITH ONE but I think Cosmo has a different idea on the subject. Being strong and independent according to cosmo means caring about your looks above your health, your man above your career and his happiness above yours. Oh yes and sex is important but it needs to look just like it does in the videos you may find on adult websites because those yelping groaning porn stars are always without doubt having REAL orgasms!

http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/

What I am trying to say is that we need to always be sceptical of everything ever! Not in a tiresome way, but take every piece of commercial media with a huge bucket of salt because more often than not it is aimed at a stereotype rather than a person and therefore it is instilling negative thoughts of 'other' people. We are all human and we all like/dislike stuff, it shouldn't have anything to do with your class, race, creed, gender, age, size or any other socially constructed limitation. 

S/he is a Wo/Man

When writing a piece of text, the author will usually try to put a human perspective in their piece by creating a metaphorical character. No name, no visual description of this person, but as a reader we create these in our minds. We won't necessarily be told where they are from, how old they are or their hobbies but we do appoint an image.

Unless the writing is specifically relating to “Women's issues” or “gender” we will be fed an image of a man. This is not a natural reaction to a nondescript person in a text, this is the reaction of constantly having He/Him/His used as the identifiers.

There are clauses in contracts stating 'anywhere that the identifier is stated as He/Him/His is referring to all people this contract is relating to, male or female' and similar sentences for the same meaning. We, as readers, are expected to understand that this man we are reading about is only a man for the ease of writing, and it does not exclude women, of course. As readers we accept this and read on. There is after all, no choice in the matter. We don't have to read it but if we want to know the concept of what is being written we must accept and ignore the He and, if we wish, imagine a S/he.

If it is just the words He/Him/His in texts we can squint and try to focus on the subject matter, imagining maybe a woman if we wish or someone who is androgynous, but this can be strenuous so we tend to just stick with the image of a man.

When all texts (unless otherwise stated) refer to men, and all these incredible characters we use as examples are men, there is a distinct lack of women's presence. When the audience of literary texts are only imagining a world of men as their focus for discussion, women and their lives are pushed out and excluded from conversation. When a person is automatically removed from a situation due to their body and physical state they are being discriminated against.

Some may be reading this and thinking it can't possibly be as wide spread as what I am saying.

The real problem is that we are so used to it we don't even notice. It is so indoctrinated into our brains through society that it is normal for 'him' to be an example and anything other than 'him' is a deviation from the norm,  therefore women are an 'other' topic. How can it be that women and men are so balanced in population percentage and yet one half takes the whole perspective and the other half takes none?

I am not suggesting we go through all of the published writings for all history and change any 'He' to a 'they' or 's/he' (although I wish we could). I am, however, frustrated that in this day there are still publications referring to Him, and thus we are still living in a 'Man's World'. People who question feminism should try reading and imagine the character as a perfectly gender neutral human. When we can do this I will put down my megaphone (maybe).

Post-Feminist?

What, may I ask, is a post-feminist?

 I have heard this used a few times. It is said with real gusto as if it is a political stand point, like saying “I’m a human rights activist” or “I’m not going to put up with the severe inequalities in the world anymore!” but what I understand this phrase to mean is actually more like saying “I think I might be in the mood for either a tea or a coffee but I haven’t really given it much thought.”

What I am assuming post-feminist is (and I may be very wrong) is the idea that we are now living in a world so equal between men and women that the concept of feminism is no longer necessary, and that the people saying they are post-feminists were, until quite recently, feminists. I am assuming until quite recently because, as far as I can tell, nothing immensely radical has changed where women and men have, in the past few months/years, become equals. I have been a bit busy getting ready for my studies but I think I might have picked up on something as huge as that.

                                     Front Page News!

 Women are no longer scared to walk home alone after dusk!

All people can wear what ever they want whenever they want without being harassed!

 Toys and Schools encourage all the young to grow up to be amazing and intelligent human beings! 

Statistics show evidence childcare is no longer only a woman’s job but in fact both parents are involved equally! And, on top of that, CHILDCARE IS NOW FREE FOR EVERYONE! So parents have the choice of having a career if they wish!

(This one I am actually looking forward to) Today is the last day The Daily Mirror will have their topless Page 3 models. Bye bye, pointless erection!

 Inter-marital rape is now something that can be proved and IS being punished AND taken seriously!

Men and women have equal representation on TV and all forms of media. This has made the comedy panel shows much more entertaining and the gossip columns much less nasty about women’s private lives.

The chase for men to be hyper-masculine and women to be intoxicatingly feminine has come to an end and everyone can get back to what they actually want to do with their lives.

FAD DIETS AND ALL EATING DISORDERS NOW A THING OF THE PAST!

How giddy I feel when I think about the world without any sexism. I can't even begin to sum up what would change! In twenty years time we will have young adults asking “what’s rape?” and “why did women used to put so much plastic in their bodies?”

I don’t think post-feminists have really paid much attention to what feminism is. Unless I have the concept wrong, of course. It is perfectly possible that a post-feminist is someone who was an activist for equal rights, a strong, political and fabulous ally, who has grown tired of the very constant battle against sexism and has decided to put down the banners, stop shouting the chants and walk quietly home to a peaceful but unequal life. Now that I would understand. It can be tiring being so aware of so much pain brought to the world by society. I would not blame anyone for this if that is, in fact, what it means. I just hope that instead of post-feminist they might choose to say “I’m a feminist on a break for a while to get my strength back, but when I do come back I will be back with a BITE"

Images taken from:
hypermasculine orgasm2 by Joel Ottman, Flickr.com
http://weddbook.com/entry/52013a127b1f46822d000002
http://www.flickr.com/photos/36031922@N02/3421048384/
http://hignfy.wikia.com/wiki/Have_I_Got_News_For_You
http://www.geofffrancis.com/work/eating-disorders/
http://www.funnypica.com/top-15-funny-old-woman/angry-old-lady/
http://www.leedspostcards.co.uk/products/175-post-patriarchy-lp643.aspx
http://www.flickr.com/photos/36031922@N02/3421048384/

Stigma

“Will one of you lovely ladies lend me a key for the office please.” Mr A.

“Yes, as long as you don’t call us lovely ladies!” Ms L.

“OOOh someone’s got her knickers in a twist.” Mr A.

“Don’t listen to her… She’s a feminist.” Ms V.

By this point I had already let my colleague in to the office. I returned to my seat next to Ms V and said “Do you honestly think of feminism as a negative personality trait? That really undermined me. I would have thought you would understand that.”

Unfortunately I didn’t actually say that last bit, I just wish I had.

The word feminist is often used as a negative slur against a woman who stands up for herself and what she believes in. When a man refers to himself as a feminist this is seen as a huge award he has won and is patted on the back and told to keep up the good work.

Concentrating on female feminists, let’s go back and see when this all the feminist bashing began.

Was it when the focus of UK Feminists agenda was to ban Page 3 and stop the boys having a permanent erection? No maybe it was before that.

 

Was it twenty years ago when rape within a marriage was finally classed as a criminal offence thanks to the feminist protests? No, there was stigma even before then.

 

Was it in the 70’s when feminism was having a real boom and there were protests and agendas all over the place?! No, it was even before that.

The suffragettes? 100 years ago women were heavily stigmatised in newspapers for supporting this rebellion of women wanting the vote. Before these brave women came along there were no rights for women and patriarchy would have liked to keep it that way. Is it really possible that a century later people are still holding on to that concept that women wanting to stand up for themselves are some negative breed that needs putting down? A woman who stands up for what she believe is right is in fact wrong and needs to be shut up?

We have a long way to go to get rid of these negative assumptions about us. Each one of us needs to continue to grow a thick skin and bullet speed whit to stay afloat. 

One day maybe just maybe when feminism is no longer necessary because equal rights and lives are had by all, maybe then there won’t be any stigma.

Being Lady-Like

The term “Man Up” seems to have been bandied around quite a bit recently. Not only in the political sphere but also on TV and in advertising, not to mention how it is never far from a tabloid paper or the classroom. When I asked feminist friends of mine for an example of a similar term aimed at women, or even a gender neutral version, what I was given instead was “That’s not very lady-like” or “Be a lady, not a girl” or a myriad of other ways of saying the same thing with the word “Lady” somewhere in the midst.

When my mother tells me I am not being very lady like (sorry mum! And it is definitely not just my mum who has said it to me before), it is usually in reference to natural bodily functions (I needn’t go in to detail) or a relatively strong opinion on a topic that does not directly effect me. Please don’t get me wrong, my mum is amazing, open-minded, articulate, feminist and when she says any mixture of words forming a sentence with “Lady” in aimed at me, it is merely a phrase that she, or in fact anyone, uses without really meaning to enforce what it is to be a “lady”.

A lady to me, in this specific sense of the word, is a Victorian woman who has a very strained and bizarre posture, never smiles or laughs too loud, eats less than she wants, has less fun than she needs and is definitely from wealth.

I however, am none of these things. I laugh as if my stomach has some large animal inside trying to escape. I smile so everyone can see my molars. My posture is slumped when I’m not thinking about it and I am definitely not from wealth in the Downton Abbey or even The Archers farmer kind of way.

How can I be expected to act like a lady?

“Man up” is the more tame way to say “Grow a pair of balls/nuts” meaning just be strong and brave. Actually I have heard the term being used to mean be cruel and don’t care about it or be less respectful of everyone around you.

In the wise words of Betty White “Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.” On the other hand, my personal favourite, “Grow a pair… of ovaries”, it makes sense (and they come in pairs).

“That’s not lady-like” is more a criticism of the attractiveness of the subject, rather than their personal strength. I was told I wasn’t being very lady like in High School once for arm wrestling with a boy, so in that sense it actually is saying “Don’t be strong! No, that would scare off any suitor for you!” The cultural commitments to traditional marriage-ability and being someone’s perfect wife are imbedded in our language. Clearly when people say the term they are not thinking how undesirable you are, it’s just a phrase. It is a subtle bit of every day sexism from archaic habits that needs to be gently broken.

I suggest next time someone says it to you or to someone you are with just ask which lady they are using as a comparison. If they say “Old Lady Grantham” then I’m not quite sure this phrase would be strong enough….