Being Lady-Like

The term “Man Up” seems to have been bandied around quite a bit recently. Not only in the political sphere but also on TV and in advertising, not to mention how it is never far from a tabloid paper or the classroom. When I asked feminist friends of mine for an example of a similar term aimed at women, or even a gender neutral version, what I was given instead was “That’s not very lady-like” or “Be a lady, not a girl” or a myriad of other ways of saying the same thing with the word “Lady” somewhere in the midst.

When my mother tells me I am not being very lady like (sorry mum! And it is definitely not just my mum who has said it to me before), it is usually in reference to natural bodily functions (I needn’t go in to detail) or a relatively strong opinion on a topic that does not directly effect me. Please don’t get me wrong, my mum is amazing, open-minded, articulate, feminist and when she says any mixture of words forming a sentence with “Lady” in aimed at me, it is merely a phrase that she, or in fact anyone, uses without really meaning to enforce what it is to be a “lady”.

A lady to me, in this specific sense of the word, is a Victorian woman who has a very strained and bizarre posture, never smiles or laughs too loud, eats less than she wants, has less fun than she needs and is definitely from wealth.

I however, am none of these things. I laugh as if my stomach has some large animal inside trying to escape. I smile so everyone can see my molars. My posture is slumped when I’m not thinking about it and I am definitely not from wealth in the Downton Abbey or even The Archers farmer kind of way.

How can I be expected to act like a lady?

“Man up” is the more tame way to say “Grow a pair of balls/nuts” meaning just be strong and brave. Actually I have heard the term being used to mean be cruel and don’t care about it or be less respectful of everyone around you.

In the wise words of Betty White “Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.” On the other hand, my personal favourite, “Grow a pair… of ovaries”, it makes sense (and they come in pairs).

“That’s not lady-like” is more a criticism of the attractiveness of the subject, rather than their personal strength. I was told I wasn’t being very lady like in High School once for arm wrestling with a boy, so in that sense it actually is saying “Don’t be strong! No, that would scare off any suitor for you!” The cultural commitments to traditional marriage-ability and being someone’s perfect wife are imbedded in our language. Clearly when people say the term they are not thinking how undesirable you are, it’s just a phrase. It is a subtle bit of every day sexism from archaic habits that needs to be gently broken.

I suggest next time someone says it to you or to someone you are with just ask which lady they are using as a comparison. If they say “Old Lady Grantham” then I’m not quite sure this phrase would be strong enough….