"NO"

Let's imagine someone who you don't really like that much asks you to join them for coffee.

“Hi, would you like to go for coffee with me?”

Now you want to say no, but what you actually might say is something closer to...

“Oh... Um.. Well, that's very kind of you but I can't today. I have a lot of work to do for next week.”

Using conversation analysis, this can be broken down as follows;

Delay                       “Oh... Um...

Preface rejection         Well,

Appreciation               that's very kind of you

Modulated Rejection    but I can't today

Account                      I have a lot of work to do for next week.”

It would be quite odd in fact if we just said “No.” and that be the end of it. We might pull a face and say “mmmm No, sorry I can't.” And then give an account of why not, but No is rarely used in rejection on its own.

You might think this is a polite and English way of refusing an invitation, but in fact conversation analysis around the world shows us this is not Englishness, it is in fact socially constructed everywhere. We don't ever want to appear rude, nor do we wish to hurt anyone's feelings. We are not used to saying no so when does no get used in rejection?

This is a very important realisation in reference to when we need to use the word no. Apparently our social and cultural behaviour means we are wholly unprepared for the specific time when “No” is the only word that might save us. I am referring to cases of sexual harassment and rape. 'No means No' is a commonly used phrase referring to rape and sexual harassment. The reality of a very clear and timely “no” being uttered is not as simple or as obvious as it may appear. Also, by a certain point “No” is possibly not going to help anyone. Yet it is used in court as defence for the rapist. If a victim of sexual harassment has not clearly said “No” then the crime can be turned into a simple misunderstanding.

If “No” is all that a victim needed to say to stop the incident from occurring then why on earth did they not say it? Seems so simple now, so clear. Just say “NO”.

Erm... No. I am saying no to this suggestion. It's not that simple, or clear, or easy to say. Try saying “No” next time someone asks you something and the answer is no. Just say “no” to that person asking you for coffee, don't give an excuse or delay. Just say no, see how it feels. Then try and imagine that situation being completely different, someone isn't even asking you if you want to have sex, they just assume you do or don't care if you do. When should you say no then?

If No is the only way a victim can avoid being raped or harassed, at least lets offer “No” training to all people.

“No” training schools for children who have never heard of sexual harassment or rape, for teenagers who are already surrounded by a whole world of what is appropriate behaviour, for adults who may never have used no to reject someone but suddenly might find a use for it.

I do have a better idea though, lets have training for everyone on how not to be a rapist! Great idea! 


Picture sourced from http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2013/09/how-the-power-of-no-saved-my-life/