The term “Man Up” seems to have been bandied around quite a
bit recently. Not only in the political sphere but also on TV and in
advertising, not to mention how it is never far from a tabloid paper or the
classroom. When I asked feminist friends of mine for an example of a similar
term aimed at women, or even a gender neutral version, what I was given instead
was “That’s not very lady-like” or “Be a lady, not a girl” or a myriad of other
ways of saying the same thing with the word “Lady” somewhere in the midst.
When my mother tells me I am not being very lady like (sorry
mum! And it is definitely not just my mum who has said it to me before), it is
usually in reference to natural bodily functions (I needn’t go in to detail) or
a relatively strong opinion on a topic that does not directly effect me. Please
don’t get me wrong, my mum is amazing, open-minded, articulate, feminist and
when she says any mixture of words forming a sentence with “Lady” in aimed at
me, it is merely a phrase that she, or in fact anyone, uses without really
meaning to enforce what it is to be a “lady”.
A lady to me, in this specific sense of the word, is a
Victorian woman who has a very strained and bizarre posture, never smiles or
laughs too loud, eats less than she wants, has less fun than she needs and is
definitely from wealth.
I however, am none of these things. I laugh as if my stomach
has some large animal inside trying to escape. I smile so everyone can see my
molars. My posture is slumped when I’m not thinking about it and I am
definitely not from wealth in the Downton Abbey or even The Archers farmer kind
of way.
How can I be expected to act like a lady?
In the wise words of Betty White “Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and
sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a
pounding.” On the other hand, my personal favourite, “Grow a pair… of
ovaries”, it makes sense (and they come in pairs).
“That’s not lady-like” is more a criticism of the
attractiveness of the subject, rather than their personal strength. I was told
I wasn’t being very lady like in High School once for arm wrestling with a boy,
so in that sense it actually is saying “Don’t be strong! No, that would scare
off any suitor for you!” The cultural commitments to traditional marriage-ability
and being someone’s perfect wife are imbedded in our language. Clearly when
people say the term they are not thinking how undesirable you are, it’s just a
phrase. It is a subtle bit of every day sexism from archaic habits that needs
to be gently broken.
I suggest next time someone says it to you or to someone you
are with just ask which lady they are using as a comparison. If they say “Old
Lady Grantham” then I’m not quite sure this phrase would be strong enough….